Ebook What Do We Tell the Children?: Talking to Kids About Death and Dying, by Joseph M. Primo
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What Do We Tell the Children?: Talking to Kids About Death and Dying, by Joseph M. Primo
Ebook What Do We Tell the Children?: Talking to Kids About Death and Dying, by Joseph M. Primo
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One out of seven children will lose a parent before they are 20. The statistics are sobering, but they are also a call for preparedness. However, pastors and counselors of all types are often at a loss when dealing with a grieving child. Talking to adults about death and grief is difficult; it's all the more challenging to talk to children and teens. The stakes are high: grieving children are high-risk for substance abuse, promiscuity, depression, isolation, and suicide. Yet, despite this, most of these kids grow up to be normal or exceptional adults. But their chance to become healthy adults increases with the support of a loving community.
Supporting grieving children requires intentionality, open communication, and patience. Rather than avoid all conversations on death or pretend like it never happened, normalizing grief and offering support requires us to be in-tune with kids through dialogue as they grapple with questions of “how” and “why.” When listening to children in grief, we often have to embrace the mystery, offer love and compassion, and stick with the basics. The author says, "We don’t have to answer the why and how for them, but we can assure our children that God is with us as we suffer. We can do so by doing good for others and pointing out all of those moments when someone has done something good for us. I believe that most of the time that’s as far as we will get, and that is okay."
- Sales Rank: #546420 in eBooks
- Published on: 2013-09-17
- Released on: 2013-09-17
- Format: Kindle eBook
About the Author
Joseph M. Primo is the CEO of Good Grief, Inc. in Morristown and Princeton, New Jersey; and President of The National Alliance for Grieving Children. A graduate of Yale Divinity School and a former hospice chaplain, Primo is the author of "The Business of Grief" in At the End of Life: True Stories about How We Die; and blogger for the New Jersey Star-Ledger. He has appeared on CNN, ABC, and Fox as a grief advocate.
Most helpful customer reviews
4 of 4 people found the following review helpful.
Should be in every parent's book case
By Terry
Joseph Primo, a pediatric grief counselor, has written this brilliant book to help parents, caregivers and friends of grieving children to help the child get through this difficult process.
Because we often speak of death and dying in hushed tones and almost never around children, the child who finds himself facing the loss of a parent or sibling or loved one is often left to his own devices in trying to figure out how to process this profound event. We don't know what to say to a grieving child, so we often seek to silence them with tired, old "words of wisdom" that often do much more harm than good.
Mr. Primo provides concrete suggestions for making sure that you are listening to how a grieving child feels, rather than telling a grieving child how to feel. He suggests open ended questions and remarks that encourage a child to feel safe enough to talk about how they are feeling. He gives numerous examples of things said and done by the children he has helped in his practice, too.
Almost 4 years ago, my mother died at home following a very long illness in which I was her caregiver. My 7 year old son (who is home schooled) was her daily companion as much as I was and when the time came that death was clearly imminent, I told him I believed she would die very soon and asked him if he wanted to be in the room with her and the rest of us. I cannot tell you how conflicted I was - I had no idea whether this would make his grief easier to bear or if it would screw him up forever! I wish I had had this book back then because I would have been so much less stressed.
My son insisted that he wanted to be with his grandmother and the rest of us so he was present at her death. He cried when she died and again, when the funeral home came to take his grandmother, but he seemed oddly able to put it in perspective very quickly. I worried about that for a long time following, unsure if that was normal or not. It was comforting to me to read Mr. Primo's description of very normal, healthy reactions to dying and death by children, even 4 years after my mother's death.
Because our society has changed so much, children can spend their entire childhoods never encountering death in a very personal way. However, it doesn't alter the fact that every living thing dies at some point and that some children will sadly face the death of a person that very much shapes their lives. When that happens, the adults left to help the grieving child are usually woefully unprepared for that task. This book can change that and, I believe, can help parents begin to discuss death and dying and grief with the children they love long before grief touches their lives.
We try to prepare children for all of the other difficult things they will face in their lives. With this book, we can begin to deal with our own fears and uncertainties surrounding death so that we can be prepared to offer loving, solid support to a grieving child.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
Preparing your children after a death or an upcoming death is heartbreaking, but this book helps put things into perspective...
By [KNDY] Dennis A. Amith
I really never had to deal with death from a family member until I was in my early 20's but I have had friends who have died at such an early age and have seen their mourning families.
But as we get older, things change in life where people you once went to school with, people you work with, they may be there one day and gone the other.
As a parent, there have been times where my health or my wife's health has been a major concern, and having brought a young child into this world, you have these conversations of what if one was to pass away or is about to pass away, how would you prepare your child.
I have invested in Christian books and audio books but having seen quite a few friends lose a child or lose a loved one and having to go to their family and break the bad news, I have been wanting to find a book that would help ease the pain. As I have had friends who asked if I knew any books that helped one handle dealing with children after a spouse's death.
While I knew of Christian books, I have been wanting a book that was more focused on love, compassion but not having to have a religious angle, for those who may not be wanting that in their life.
And I have now found an excellent book with Joseph M. Primo's "What Do We Tell the Children?: Talking to Kids About Death and Dying".
Primo's book goes into detail of his experiences but also how parents, grandparents or guardians can discuss with children about death and dying.
Primo's book breaks down the chapters as follows:
1. Put On Your Own Oxygen Mask First
2. Kids Feel, Too
3. Myths
4. Components of a Child's Grief
5. What Do We Tell the Children?
6. Listening without Lollipops
7. On Death and Lying
8. A Cultural Rebirth
JUDGMENT CALL:
I for one bought this book, wanting to know how he was able to help others, but also wanting to know if something happens to me or my wife, the best way the surviving parent can help our child not be in so much pain if something is unfortunate is to happen.
It's something that we usually don't want to think of, but as a parent and when you start seeing friends pass away and leaving behind a spouse and children, it does stay in your mind quite often than you would have hoped and you just want to prepare for such things.
Also, a conversation with a father and a friend who lost a spouse and a child due to an electrical fire. They bought a new house but one day, the night before the Super Bowl, there was an electrical fire and he was able to barely survive with his wife and children. He was a bit rattled, now living in a home temporarily that his insurance put him and his family in but he kept asking, if he lost his wife, he wasn't sure how he would go on. If he lost his children, how he could live. And then watching the nightly news during the winter and seeing those who were unfortunate and were unable to escape their house fire. Were not able to survive during an accident.
And with so many things happening in our lives, even my son is asking about death. About people he knew that has died, having a great grandparents and grandparents who's health are dwindling due to Alzheimer's Disease or other health related issues and now having to have to deal with his own parents having had some significant health related issues. It's scary.
But I felt that the more I think about death or the uncertain situations that we live in but most importantly, the more I think about my son without one of us, it hurts.
So, I'm very grateful for Mr. Primo because he actually goes into details of how certain family grieves but how he has handled it and his thoughts on the matter. May it be a mother who carries a photo of her dead child with a shot in the head to a father who tried to protect their children after finding his wife hanging on the monkey bars with a suicide note and the he and the children seeing it. Also, how he was able to help families and children after 9/11.
But Primo is able to break things down for how children at certain stages or ages would deal with death.
Primo's book is well-written, it also is heartfelt in the way he writes. Having dealt with so many families, this is a book that doesn't preach anything religious (although there are a few pages of where religion can help facilitate one's grieving process), it is first and foremost wanting to help parents or family members deal with grieving but also how to prepare our children for certain news.
How we deal with a children who is hurting after a parent's death? Ways of honoring one's death or remembering their death along with the children. How do we deal with children who are tired of hearing "everything is going to be OK?" or "your loved one is in a better place?", it's easy for people to say those words to a child but for child, in their mind they are feeling abandoned and alone. But also to recognize that these feelings are natural and appropriate. But how it's important to have people support that child during their grieving process.
Also, how metaphors can create a mess. One example was a man who told his children after his wife was killed in crash that the angels came and took her to God in heaven. But then the metaphor which was meant to calm, became a problem when the children thought the angels may take them away and were afraid to leave the house. But these things can be fixed and Primo also goes into detail of how spiritual beliefs can be abstract, but needing to know that for young children, who are concerned with the hear and now and what they can see and goes into detail of how he has helped families with this. Especially questions of if this loved one is in heaven, how come their body is in a casket?
But Primo's book is quite informative and not a long read 134-pages long.
If you are a grieving parent, a parent wanting to prepare themselves or their significant other if one is to pass away, for preparation for the inevitable or if you know someone who is grieving and having a difficult time of having to communicate with their children after losing a love one, I highly recommend Joseph M. Primo's "What Do We Tell the Children?: Talking to Kids About Death and Dying ".
5 of 6 people found the following review helpful.
I am using this to talk to my children after losing my husband
By N. Glenn
It was strange timing in my life to have this book brought to my attention after losing my husband in November to Cancer. I have been struggling a lot with figuring out how to talk to my young children about this loss, this book was very informative and easy for me to use in my own situation to help explain things that are very difficult. I would recommend this book to anyone that should have to learn how to tell children about death and be with them as they cope and grieve.
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